Monster Media 1994 #2/Monster Media No. 2 (Monster Media)(1994).ISO/magazine/rubyv33.zip/RUBY33-1

Text File | 1994-05-22 | 7KB | 137 lines

Copyright 1994(c)

             ...HOME AGAIN, HOME AGAIN, JIGGEDY-JIG.
                      A Ruby Begonia Column
                         By Del Freeman

     "Let's talk tookus on'a table," said Ruby.
     "Tookus?" asked David.
     "I don't want to know," said Del.
     "Looka-here... about this move..." Ruby scratched her head.
     "What about it?" asked David.
     "Wrong tactic," said Del.
     "What? WHAT?!" David demanded.
     "Didn't we talk about encouraging her?" Del said.
     "Oh," said David.
     "I ain't so sure it's a good thing," said Ruby.
     David opened his mouth. Del looked at him. He closed it.
     "I mean..." Ruby plowed on, as though holding a normal
conversation with actual participants. David glued his eyes to his
computer screen and firmly closed his mouth. Del pounded away at
the keyboard. Ruby pondered aloud.
     "... ain'chou scared? What if there ain't no excitement in
Jacksonville? I KNOW there ain't no neon, and I figure anyplace
ain't got neon and got it, you know? Not neon, I mean. Excitement,"
she explained, as though anyone were listening to her. "Sludge says
--"
     "Oh no," muttered Del, "not the sage words of the all-knowing
prophet, Sludge."
     "Huh?" asked Ruby. "Whadja say?"
     Del lightly slapped her cheek and firmly buttoned her lip.
     "Ya think Sludge ain't got a solid geographical picture
a'this? Lemme tell you, Sludge knows places. He's been in all'a
them one time or another. Sludge has been in places regular people
fear to go," Ruby said.
     "Sludge *is* a place regular people fear to go," Del muttered.
     "Sludge moves a lot an' he says ya' can't go home no more,"
said a Ruby oblivious, as usual, to Del's disinterest. "He says
when you get there you just find people and things and they're the
same old people an things you didn't like when you left 'em. Either
that or he says they're all different an you miss the ones you used
to know and thought you liked. Sludge says some really famous
writer said you can't go home again an' that's the truth. An Sludge
says you can't make no money there doin' that legal secretary
stuff, but he says he reckons you forgot so we should remind you,"
Ruby said, staring at Del, who studiously ignored her.
     "Well? Ain't that right? You done worked for all the papers
what would hire you so you ain't got no choice but to work for the
lying, cheating lawyers and you can't make no money. Here, you can
make good money. So why you wanta go where you already been and
didn't like it and can't make no money? Answer me that," Ruby
demanded.
     David caved. Ruby knew he would. As he turned to address her,
she gave him the full intensity of chartreuse-shaded eyes, tugging
at the mini-skirt and preparing to shoot down his feeble attempts
at logic.
     "Ruby, Jacksonville is home," he said, calmly. "Why can't you
understand that?"
     "Ah, don't try to hock me no china doll," said Ruby.
     "Has she been listening to Howard Stern again?" asked David.
     "Home is where the heart is," Ruby continued. "Be it ever so
humble, there's no place like home," she said. "I'll be home for
Christmas," she began to sing.
     "Ruby, don't sing," said Del.
     "Sorry, mama," said Ruby. "Anyway, all that stuff's just hoo-
hah, Freemans. You don't see Sly openin' no Planet Hollywood there,
do you?"
     "It's done, Ruby. Accept it. Better yet, stay here," said Del
with finality.
     "This ain't over," Ruby threatened. "Me'n Sludge is toolin'
up there this weekend to check it out. If anybody calls us
'you'uns,' the move is off. OFF. You go back to Podunk, U.S.A.
without Ruby Begonia! You hear me?" Ruby flounced from the room.
     "You think she means it?" David asked.
     "If I thought so, I'd be on the highway with my thumb stuck
out and a sign that said 'Jacksonville or death' right this very
minute," said Del.
     "Yeah, I guess you're right... but, do you think she's right?
Do you think we should be scared?"
     "Who knows? It's all a crap shoot. Here, there, what does it
matter? I certainly do not intend to allow the great orcale,
Sludge, to dictate my future. The man wears a towel on his head for
a turban, for God's sake! All I know is we own a trailer there and
we can live a lot less expensively. If we're ever going to get
settled, we've got to start with something we can handle and build
up. Besides... the fact that Ruby is hesitant about it makes it
more, not less attractive, doesn't it?" Del reasoned.
     "Definitely," said David.
                               ***
     Ruby blew back into town a week later wearing a Jaguars t-
shirt and ballcap. Her skin glowed with the kiss of the sun and her
tote bulged with vine-ripened tomatoes.
     "Wow, Freemans, I think you finally got'cherselves a winner,"
she said.
     "Huh?" said David.
     Del frowned at him.
     "I mean, I think this is gonna be cool." Ruby announced. "Me'n
Sludge found a neat biker's bar an' we shot pool with a bunch
a'neat dudes at some place called the Dee-Lite Barbecue on the
Westside. You did say we're movin' to the Westside, didn't you?
Anyway, it was great. Everybody drank cold beer an' danced to 'Up
this Hill an' down... up this hill again.' That's a country song,
you know? An' then when it got real late, a bunch of them good ole
boys went outside and beat the stew outa' each other. There was
lots of blood an' cops and all. It was a hoot," said Ruby.
     Del and David looked at one another and then back at Ruby.
     "Hey, speakin' a'which, I brought'cha some tomatoes," she
said, reaching into her tote and depositing one on Del's desk and
one on David's. "Apples is for squares," she said, decisively. "You
try a little salt on that, an' you'll think you're in heaven.
     "I'd like to stick around and make plans, but me'n Sludge has
got to go to the Salvation Army and find us a rockin' chair to tie
on top of the movin' van. We're goin' home in style, Freemans," she
chortled. Then, as an after thought, she snapped her fingers in
recollection and reached deeper into the tote. "Almost forgot," she
said, "I also brought you t-shirts an ballcaps," she said, digging
further into the tote. "You'uns might not want to wear 'em to a
actual game, though. I ain't sure the stadium knows we got 'em.
Try 'em on while we run to the thrift store," she invited, and
departed.
     "Now THAT," said Del, "does scare me."
     "Hey," said David, "... at least the t-shirts are extra
large." He donned his and passed one to Del, slapping the cap onto
his head and happily pounding away at the keyboard. Del looked down
at the t-shirt in her lap and then back up at a smiling David. He
glanced her way, saw the look of consternation on her face, and
stopped typing. "You didn't REALLY think she wouldn't go, did you?"
he asked.
     "A person can dream," said Del.
     "Yeah, but you have to come back to earth," said David. He
grinned. "It's just a ride, you know," he reminded her. "Life's
just a ride, or so says the profound Sludge. Sometimes it's uphill
and sometimes it's down, but it's just a ride. Or so says Sludge.
He also says don't fight the feelin," David reminded her.
     Del frowned; then shrugged.
     "You'uns want to pass me my baseball cap?" she asked.
                               END